Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve always seemed to gravitate toward television shows with a strong female lead. It started in first grade with Samantha Stevens from Bewitched. I thought, “Anyone who can make things appear out of thin air with the twitch of their nose has to be the coolest girl on the planet.” Then I became obsessed with the fun loving duo, Mary & Rhoda, from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. The quirky old mystery writer, Jessica Fletcher, on Murder She Wrote became a favorite as well. Later on, Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show took the cake for the most beloved TV woman. It was mostly because her elegance, sass, and charm reminded me of my own amazing mother along with many of the beautiful women in my family.

So when I was asked to write this article/blog, I immediately felt excited. To be given the chance to speak to a generation of emerging Christian women blew me away. I felt honored to say the least! As one who has a loving, praying mother, two caring sisters, and strong grandmothers, aunts, and female cousins, I know the power and strength of a good woman. It is because of their amazing example that I can honestly say that  I love, value, and appreciate the important role of a woman in a man’s life. But soon after, the thought of writing to single Christian women started to intimidate me.

“We have to be braver than we think we can be, because God is constantly calling us to be more than we are.” - Madeleine L’Engle (poet, writer, author of “A Wrinkle In Time”)

I do not know where this initial rush of fear or intimidation came from. But within moments, all my insecurities came rushing at me. “What makes you qualified?” “How is a single guy supposed to give advice to single women?!” “Who do you think you are?” Writing this article brought to the surface all sorts of misconceptions, bad experiences, feelings of rejection, unattended hurts, and unanswered questions that had been lingering in my own heart about women. I know this because my first few opening drafts to this article started out like this:

“Dear Ladies, I am single and ready to mingle!”

“Can anyone tell me where all the good girls have gone??”

“Aren’t all women supposed to be like Claire Huxtable”?

“Why do you always make it so hard for us?”

and…

“Just be honest with me, do I have an invisible sign on my head that reads “KEEP IN THE FRIEND ZONE?!”

Feeling overwhelmed by my lack of love and my own fear when it comes to relating to women, I found a way to call on Hope. And not just any hope, but a living Hope. Hope has always been the anchor my soul clings to when I need understanding; when Hope came to me, I began to look at some of these hard questions again. I now see that these thoughts aren’t just my own, but that there is something in our culture that tries to polarize the sexes. And I am sure this is part of the evil one’s strategy to keep men and women fighting one another and not pressing into new depths of love and understanding. So here are a few of my thoughts and insights to the women of my generation…

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.”    - Emily Dickenson

Being a single man in today’s world, it is constantly communicated through many different sources and on multiple levels that I have nothing to offer the women of my generation. I am constantly reduced to my lowest common denominator and told that I am a no good dog, that all my best intentions are always wrong, and I will never understand women. I also realized how society tends to over glorify our differences as male and female more than our commonality and our ability to come together. I acknowledge that there are unique differences between men and women. Our physiology and biological make up speak to this beautiful reality. But as nature and scripture tell us, there is a completeness that only happens when a man and woman come together as one.

“If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.”    - Madeleine L’Engle

An Exhortation To Single Women: What to Look For In a Single Man

Just as Jesus gave his disciples the Sermon on the Mount, here are some “Be Attitudes” that Christian men are looking for in a future wife.

1) Be Confident.

As a woman, be confident in who you are. That does not mean being loud or bringing unnecessary attention to yourself.  Neither does that mean wearing clothes that would make guys look at you in an unholy way. But have a confidence that doesn’t have to say much, that doesn’t starve for approval, praise, or even acceptance. Do not let your confidence be rooted in possessions and prestige for human favor, but in the beautiful woman God has made you to be .

2) Be Humble and Meek.

If I could get away with saying this, I believe that meekness to a Christian man is sexy! Meekness is strength that is submitted to God. There is nothing hotter than a girl/woman who is surrendered to the call of God on her life and a girl who walks in kindness and humility towards the people in her life.

3) Be Open to a Man’s Pursuit of You.

I feel like this is the most important. Many Christian women I have met are not always open to men pursuing them. They come up with all sorts of spiritual reasons behind why they are not wanting or looking for a relationship, but sometimes I wonder if this need to be single is driven more by fear than faith. Do not be afraid to go out on a date with a guy. Many girls struggle with insecurity and feelings of ugliness, but when was the last time you allowed a single man to speak worth and beauty over you and you received it? Always honor any man of integrity who acknowledges the worth and beauty that is inside of you. Though they may not be your future husband, they still have a beautiful gift of love and affirmation to give you.

4) Be a Nurturer, not a Controller.

Men by nature are extremely tactical and generally the way they learn is to “do” first and listen second. It’s important to know that this is the process that the man in your life most likely has to go through. Nagging him doesn’t help. If you already know the answer to his question or problem, then try presenting the solution in the form of gentle wisdom or kind advice and not an “I told you so” attitude. It will goes a long way in helping the relationship mature. He then will see the gold that you carry and will be more open to listening to you first before trying to just figure it out on his own. Men need to feel like they’re being supported and we need space to lead as we feel called to lead.

5) Be Straightforward.

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Against the popular opinion of many women’s magazines and romantic comedies, most men do not understand or play along to the “unwritten rules” of dating. We can be pretty clueless sometimes about the opposite sex. That is why it is important for you to tell us what you are looking for, versus getting upset when we don’t always intuitively pick it up.

6) Be Decisive and Know What You Want.

This one is very important. Any intelligent man who is not looking for a trophy wife, but a helpmate, doesn’t mind if you need some time to make up your mind. Even still, you eventually need to make up your mind about what you want in life. And even more importantly, who you want. Some times guys can be labeled as “players” who play the field, but women can have multiple guys vying for their time and affection and go long periods of time without committing as well.

7) Be Emotionally and Spiritually Healthy.

This last one is a biggie. If you are single, take this time to work on you. It’s vital that you be the happiest, most joyful human you can be. Everyone has issues and things from their past they need to sort through. Do not be afraid to get the inner healing you need to be the best version of you that you can be.

Christian Dealbreakers: What Women Should Look For in a Single Man

Every woman should know that in your quest for finding a husband, it is best to never impress on any man who you hope or wish them to be. Take them at face value for who they are. If that man does not have a goal to change himself, then he never will and he’ll always fail to live up to your expectation of him.

We have all met women along the way who are constantly trying to change the man they’re with. These women either annoy us or cause us to feel sad for them. Some women openly and consistently compare the special man in their life to some other amazing guy they knew or know. This not only demeans the man they’re with, but consistently sends the message that he is not enough for them. Other women tend to hold this criticism in and date, and many times marry, men they secretly hope and wish would change. Unfortunately, these women tend to put up and live in all sorts of hell just to see that dream man come forth.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”    - Maya Angelou

On the NBC sitcom 30 Rock, former SNL star Tina Fey’s alter-ego, “Liz Lemon”, writes a book for women who want to know what isn’t tolerable from a man in a dating or marriage relationship. When women come to Liz  for relational problems, she always responds in the comical way, “That’s a Dealbreaker!”.

i.e “If your man is over thirty and still wears a nametag to work…that’s a dealbreaker!
If your man appears on “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline…that’s a dealbreaker, ladies!
Or if your man practices Jedi moves in a park……that’s a dealbreaker!”

Recently I asked my female Facebook & Twitter followers to give me some dealbreakers for them. I wanted to get a pulse for what young women, like yourself, feel are non-negotiables and boy did I! 140 comments later, here are the top Christian “Dealbreakers” from women like you.

•  Dealbreaker: If God isn’t his first priority.

• If he belittles what God wants you to do for what he wants from you…dealbreaker.

• If he’s a flake…dealbreaker

• Manchild = dealbreaker

• If his ego is bigger than himself, that’s a dealbreaker.

• If he doesn’t value you, respect you, and live in purity…dealbreaker.

• Flirts with girls other than you….dealbreaker.

• If he acts interested…then pulls the whole “brothers & sisters in Jesus” card when he gets scared or someone else comes along.

•  Socks and sandals say it all! Total deal breaker!

• Lack of Trust. He’s gotta have integrity. If I find him lying in the little things, how can I trust him with my heart? Dealbreaker.

•  If he speaks to you like his business partner, that’s a dealbreaker.

•  Hygiene issues = Dealbreaker!

•  If he makes himself the victim in all situations…dealbreaker.

• Not just a “Christian guy” but one who lives out the word and is passionately in love with God and the Kingdom. Who can lead his family in righteous ways and by love. If not, dealbreaker.

• Men who don’t know how to be men! They are unable to stand up courageously and lead a relationship, cause if they’re not doing it in dating, they won’t do it in marriage…dealbreaker.

• If they tell you that you need to be more like their mother…dealbreaker.

• I won’t date someone that doesn’t know how to access hope and doesn’t know how to dream big…dealbreaker

•  When guys say what they think we want to hear rather than with integrity from the heart = dealbreaker

•  If he texts more than he speaks to you…dealbreaker

• Lives at home with his parents at 28 with no cellphone or car, not in school, in debt and works at home depot 5hrs a day! Dealbreaker!

In this day and age how can we come together as one? As young women, how do you relate to your guy friends in a healthy manner? As future wives and lovers, how do you relate to the man you want to spend your whole life with? And how do we bridge this ever widening gap society places between the sexes?

As I personally continue to wrestle with those questions in my heart, I pray that my few thoughts and insights can help to bridge that gap between the sexes. It should be obvious by now that I didn’t tell you how to be like Claire Huxtable. Mainly because Claire doesn’t exist. None of those TV women I mentioned really exist. My only prayer is that daughters would open up and talk to sons, and that sons would open up to mothers and sisters all around them. That’s the only way we’ll close the gap.

William Matthews is a worship leader from Bethel Church in Redding, California and is a burgeoning singer-songwriter and recording artist for Bethel Music. Most recently William released his debut, full-length album Hope’s Anthem distributed through Kingsway and was featured as a lead vocalist on Bethel Live’s acclaimed recording Be Lifted High. He has spent several years as a lead prophetic singer and background vocalist for Misty Edwards, Julie Meyer, Cory Asbury and others at  the International House of Prayer in Kansas City and has been a part of worship teams leading for “Onething” & “The Call.”  William has also been a background vocalist for Brian & Jenn Johnson, Kim Walker-Smith, Chris Quilala, John Mark   McMillan, Jeremy Riddle, and many others. He lives in Redding, CA where he is currently seeking a wife and a dog.

Upcoming Travel Itinerary

• Regent University, Sept. 1st, Virgina Beach, VA.

• Bethel Music Tour Australia, Sept. 19th-24th. Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane

• Boom Church, Oct. 2nd-4th Orlando, Florida

• Open Heaven’s, Oct. 12th-14th, Redding, California

• River of Glory, Oct. 20th-22nd, Plano, Texas

• Glory Breakthrough, Nov 3rd-5th Austin, Texas